I haven’t been too busy to write, although that is what I would like to say here. No, unfortunately depression is my devil to deal with and I have had my favorite TV shows on re-run to make myself feel better for the past month or so.
But, that wasn’t enough for the kind of sadness that has been completely overwhelming me this week. The other day I even had the thought to just say “fuck it” to my sobriety and get high again. But. It was just a passing thought. I had it and it went away. As small as it might seem, that is progress. I thought the thought, but I wasn’t controlled by it.
So at 135 days sober, I can thankfully say that although shit is just getting more difficult, I didn’t sacrifice the progress that I fought so hard for. The changes in my life have actually been pretty monumental and I need to give myself some credit for getting through all of it.
Go figure I was feeling down, yet again, but my tried and true routine just wasn’t doing the trick. Instead, I threw on “Knock Down the House” to get my spirit back in working order. Granted, there was a really extraordinarily awesome part I knew was going to happen (don’t worry—no spoilers here:) but there were some equal and opposing parts that just tore me to pieces.
One of the most poignant parts of this film is when one of the candidates running for office says to the camera “You have to remember your why.” And that was something I needed to hear. I need to continually remember *my* why. Why get sober? Why continue to make that choice over and over again each day? Because I have goals in mind. None of which involve me obliterating myself.
Sometimes things just seem out of place and out of control. But I refuse to give up on myself. Just like the women in “Knock Down the House” who refused to give up on their convictions. I am refusing to let my depression confine me to my couch, trapped in an unending cycle of feeling worthless. I can learn to light the darkness. And I’ll do it with movies.